Shady Maple Smorgasbord

"All this extra body fat makes me hot."

- a Shady Maple patron, upon exiting

Assumptions

Before a proper review can begin, this writer finds it necessary to establish a few assumptions. Let us first assume, for example, that Shady Maple is not a restaurant, or even an eating establishment. No, it is in fact, a Compound (as in Branch Dividian).

Let us also assume that while within the perimeter of the Compound, there is a powerful time-suck ratio in play, whereby 1 hour within Shady Maple actually works out to approximately 2.5-3 hours of regular time using official US time standards, a fact that's often lost on the visitor until the border is crossed upon exit. 

With these assumptions in mind, you are now hereby invited to enter the deep cavernous world of Shady Maple.

Welcome

The Shady Maple Compound appears to its visitors like a mega church; a beacon on the hill, beckoning all to their beloved home-cooked trough of goodies. As the details of the sprawling estate come into view, the scale becomes more and more astonishing; bus lanes, buggy parking, massive signs directing pedestrian traffic, even general announcements over a PA system. A Bond villain would be envious.

For the inexperienced pilgrim, entering Shady Maple is daunting. It appears as if everyone else already knows the rules, of which there are many.

Appetizers include gluttony mixed with a snide hint at criminal activity.

By this point, the conditioning is already underway. Once past the gates, a sea of tables and booths stretches out into infinity, each numbered like a parking lot zone. (One improvement here would be to outfit each table with a flashing siren, and give the corresponding party a buzzer to activate it when in search of their spot.)

Before heading off in search of food, its customary to take in not only the surroundings, but one's fellow patrons as well. Who is the Shady Maple diner? A pie chart would show heavily favored sweat attire, especially anything with a drawstring for flexible expansion. It's all about having the right tools for the job ahead.
  
Time for Scavenging

There was initially a quaint, otherwise sane idea to survey the offerings before making decisions. As the situation quickly dictated, this idea had to be scrapped in favor of foraging. No one here was selecting their breakfast; they were hoarding the current sustenance offered.

One either had the chance to customize their edible hoard (pancakes with chocolate chips or blueberries or both, to name a few of the thousands of options) or take to the endless rows of heat-lamped standards that were kept loaded by Shady Maple's crack staff.

Either way the tension was palpable - it was 5am at a Black Friday sale, and the bacon had to go. Would you be left empty-handed?


"Gift Shop"

Let this be made clear. Shady Maple's Gift Shop is not a Gift Shop in the traditional sense. Yes, there are mugs and t-shirts and the like, but what Shady Maple wields is better described as a hoard factory, where every conceivable and totally unnecessary physical item known to man is available for purchase. Candles, wind chimes, more candles, more wind chimes, car mats, Elvis statues, Thomas Kinkade paintings, ANOTHER RESTAURANT, greeting cards, furniture, arts&crafts, and so on and so forth and so on and so forth, until a giant meteor brings about the end of the world and blasts us all into oblivion.

It would indeed be possible to both get lost in and never return from the Shady Maple Gift Shop.

Follow the giant arrows down into the 10th level of Hell.

Oh, and The Food

How was it? There was something labeled 'mush.' There were good standard breakfast items. There were even Icee machines, if ever in the mood for a sugary lift in the morning.

Overall it was good, but it was nothing special.

What is clearly more special are the garnishes surrounding Shady Maple; the Compound, the rules, the Gastric ByPass Discount. All of these things add up to an experience that trumps the mush.

We've Been Here Way Too Long

One visitor was overheard to have said, "No. I don't want to go in there [the gift shop]. We've been in here way too long." Clearly this individual was becoming aware of the previously mentioned time-suck ratio.

So then, pilgrim, prepare thyself - Shady Maple has its sights set on your inner hoarder, and it won't let go until your plate, your stomach, your house, and your soul overfloweth.